I find myself at the end again..which by all means is at the begining??????..based on how full your cup is today? I am feeling more emotions than I thought possible. I find that all I wanna do at the moment is cry...and try to find a way to "fix" everything..but even I, the one who needs to fix it all, knows...this just can't be fixed. In the past, my answer to a new chapter has been a new blog.. however, I don't feel I can "run" from my past. Afterall, my past does "make" me...right? So therefore, I am facing this head one (as much as it hurts) and just dealing with it..... with a little help from my friends of course... who I am anxious to see at this point. I will probably go through and do some editing to my blog.. but I have no intention of deleting this blog... I can't "run" from every bad experience.. hell, we all have them... it's what makes us, right? So, I'm hanging my head, admitting that it didn't work...heading home, and just doing some editing..and that's that. I've gotten several email requests on Facebook asking what happened as soon as I changed my status. Well, I waited until he changed his... once that was done, I figured that it was done and safe to change mine.. (did I really just say that?). However, I never have, and never will go into the fall between me and the Aussie online. I have too much respect for him and as a person to get into that. While we may disagree on a LOT of things, I would like to think our level of respect for each other is high enough that we don't bash each other online??? God, I hope I'm not living in a fantasy world when I say that???
I leave Australia in less than 48 hrs. The goodbye's that need to be said bring tears to my eyes. It's never easy when you bring kiddo's into the situation... and granted these are "just" nephews (said with much sarcasm... because I love them all as if they were my own) it's never easy. Esp when a young one has just learned "aunty ape". I think I will cry myself to sleep hearing that for ages to come. But seriously..how do you explain..to children..that Aunty Ape is leaving...and never coming back? Hell, I'm not sure I understand it all.. much less explain it to a child???
And that's not the only goodbye that I dread. Despite the fall of our relationship, Wayne and I have been friends for about 6 yrs or so now. It was never easy parting as just friends..but now? I won't deny that I love him..even as I type this from the guest bedroom. I love that man DEARLY. I can never deny this. I do.... Me loving him or him loving me has never been an issue since we became "us".....I know that, and I know he knows that. So parting is going to be very very very difficult. Nearly impossible. I recall what the first numerous hours of the looonnnngggg flight to Kentucky were like before...parting against our will. Well, I still feel we are parting against our will on some level...so not sure this will be any easier than before?
As a quote gal, I can't NOT leave this 3am rant on a note other than...well...a quote.....
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
No comments:
Post a Comment