100th post...

So I've reached my 100th post on *this* blog.  No clue how many the other ones have had, but happy 100th post to Aprildownunder.  Really wish I had a more up beat and happy post on this blog birth...err... postday.. but I don't.....

Gonna post lyrics, but also feel the need to vent.  I'm so discouraged lately.  Things aren't where I thought they should or would be with me and Wayne, and I'm ok with that....sort of.... ok, not really.  But this whole "limbo" thing, I'm just not really handling.  I'm a black and white person.  So not knowing what the future holds, really doesn't sit well with me.  And maybe it's not a fact of not knowing the future, but not knowing what today holds.  I'm a planner.  Always have been.  Always will be.  And every day lately it's an "i don't know"....  I am respecting his request for time, but I almost feel it's a delay of the inevitable, if that makes any sense.  I'm tired of crying because I don't know.  Things aren't over, but things aren't moving forward at the same time... hence, the limbo....  Every day I spend too much time finding myself in tears.  I just wish I knew.  My friends and family I'm sure are tired of hearing me cry and vent... thank god for true friends that have been here for me.

I don't claim to be perfect.  I just claim to be me.  Is that not enough?

So, I think I'll post with a couple of song/lyrics today... just because..well, it's my blog and I can post what I want.  :)

And..another song....

Still speechless...

A lot is going on, but yet I still don't feel like blogging.. so today I leave you with a clip of the FAVORITE scene to one of my FAVORITE movies... give it a watch...

One more song....

Perhaps I should stop watching CMT in the morning and discovering songs that make me more sad?  Then again, I am my own worst enemy.. in lots of ways....

Four days.....

Four days later, and it still hurts.  Four days later, and yes I still cry.  Four days later and yes my mind is occupied.  Four days later and blogging lyrics seems to be all I want to blog.  Four days later I am still questioning why if my heart doesn't actually/physically break, why does my chest physically hurt.  Four days later I'm still slowly letting go of all the dreams and plans that were shared because I know they are gone, with nothing but memories to remain.  Four days later there is nothing but pain to remain in the place where love once lived and grew stronger daily.  Four days later and I'm thinking, why do we bother with love in the first place, when all it does it cause pain? 

Maybe in a few more days time, things will be better.  God, I'm not sure how it could be any worse.

"I'll be seeing you"

-Cindy Thompson

"I'll be seeing you
Hey don't forget your coat
I'll be seeing you
Feels like it's turning cold
I hate that you're leaving
With so much unsaid
And this strange empty feeling
Won't let me forget that
I'll be seeing you

I'll be seeing you
Oh that beautiful smile
I'll be seeing you
Sure as I'm seeing you now
Around every corner
Wherever I go
Every moment of everyday
Darlin' I know
I'll be seeing you
I'll be seeing you

Oh that nights I'll cry
But maybe just maybe in time
I'll be fine

I'll be seeing you When I close my eyes
I'll be seeing you
I've got you memorized
I'll always love you
I know you know that
And I know in my heart
That you're not coming back
And in everything I do
I'll be seeing you"


One more before bed...

Because CMT.com tonight is hitting a lot on the head....

Rascal Flatts -

"Here comes goodbye"

 

"I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road
And its not like her to drive that slow,
Nothin's on the radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
She usually comes right in, now I can tell


Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain,
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
That she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye

I can hear her say I love you like it was yesterday
And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way
One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side
And violins would play here comes the bride

But here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
That she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye


Why does it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on, yeah and you're left alone
Oh, all alone,
But here comes goodbye

Oh-oh-oh-oh


Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
That she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye"

please..just watch and listen....

Yes, I've posted these lyrics, but please listen to lyrics along with the song/music....

Still speechless...

I am still unable to comprehend fully "this".  I have always looked to blogging for a release, but I can't even find the words or thoughts to blog.  Luckily, in times like these, I'm able to turn to quotes and lyrics... so excuse me if I exit blogging for a bit and instead simply copy and paste lyrics.  Thank you.

Deana Carter "What makes you stay"

Look at me
I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be

Don't have the strength
To fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave

So tell me why I still keep holding on
To something I just cannot see

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at her and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

I'm not afraid
Of living alone
I was alone before he came

I've been in love
Many times before
But this time's not the same

I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I can do

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at her and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

When it goes this deep
And feels this strong
I can't convince myself
That this love is wrong

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at her and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

When I can't find the words, I look to lyrics...

"Someday when I stop loving you"

-Carrie Underwood

One foot on the bus about half past nine
I knew that you were leaving this time
I thought about laying down in its path
Thinking that you might get off for that
I remember that night we laid in bed
Naming all our kids that we hadn't had yet
One for your grandma and one for mine
Said we'd draw straws when it came time

[Chorus:]
I'll move on baby just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need a moon
It'll break my heart but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you

I bet all I had on a thing called love
I guess in the end it wasn't enough
And it's hard to watch you leave right now
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow
Somehow

[Chorus]

Oh someday someday when I stop

[Chorus]

Someday when I stop loving you

"Piece of my heart"

Keri Noble is an artist introduced to me by my love.  Upon listening to some songs, I found this song very appropriate.  I've listened to it on every plane ride to Australia, and find it inspiring when picking Wayne up on each U.S. trip.  I was on youtube looking for some other song with a video of lyrics and came across this video.  Considering our parting is a week away, with no concrete plans or ideas on what the future holds past a week from now, I found it appropriate to post this...... 

Time flies....

I am seriously needing time to slow it's ass down. Wayne leaves for home in 9 days. Single digits. How is this possible? I swear I would throw a temper tantrum if I thought it would slow time down. Hell. It's worth a shot anyways! There is still just way too many things we have to sort through. We are heading to DC today and tomorrow. Perhaps Saturday we need to lock ourselves in my apartment until it's all sorted?

Last time I posted Wayne was heading the next day to Akron Ohio for a meeting with one of his bosses about transferring to the US. Although the meeting went well there are no oppertunities at this time. And as far as future oppertunities??? Who knows. No answer. So where does that leave "us"? Great question. One of the things we are working on. I put some thoughts on paper and proposed basically what I am able to offer and do and what circumstances I would need and/or prefer. So now it's all in his hands at this point. I figure once it's all done I'll update my blog with plans. But won't go into tenttative plans at this stage.....

I am wrapping up my last shift of the week. It's been a freaking awesome work week. I am soo sure I will pay for this next week.... Its been awesome. I also got an extension until July 16. I'm hoping to be off July 4 and head into DC for July 4 festivities. That's gotta be Awesome!!!

Well guess I'll Finish out this shift so I can be picked up by my Aussie cab driver...hehe...take a nap and head to the nations capital!!!

Lovin' Life!

Tonight I have a lot of random thoughts going through my...well...random head!  So, what more appropriate than..... a random post??? haha!!

Wayne arrived and all is going well.  Better than well.  Awesome.  Better than awesome... wait.  What's the word for better than awesome?? We'll just say Aussome.  :)

My niece turned 18 on Saturday.  Wait.  WHAT?? When the heck did THAT happen?? Had a great time celebrating her bday and being totally freaked out on how similar she is to me.  I swear..is she my spawn???  Oh lord help me if Waye and I  have daughters and they turn out like me and Erin!!! haha!  <3 that kid.....and yes, I know she's an adult, but I still see her as a kiddo.... esp when she snuggles up and puts her head on my shoulder....(even in public!! yes, that happened today!)  It's still one of the greatest feelings in the world.  :)

Monday...we need fingers, eyes, toes, hairs, and whatever you can cross....crossed..... will update more on this soon......

This past Friday night was me and Wayne's first 7m3 concert as a couple.  And as requested by me, the band played "southwestern state".  :)  The show was great, the company was amazing, and waffle house was delic as always! :)  And having my loves arms around me while our favorite band played...well that was just awesome... err...aussome.  :)

Looks like I may be in Maryland for an additional 7 weeks.  I love the hospital and the whole travel nursing gig.  I am soo lucky.. this hospital has a great set up, an amazing facility, and an incredible staff!!!  I am loving it and looking forward to more time there.

Today was mothers day and I was lucky enough to spend it with the best mother in the entire world.  A mom that I have grown to view as a friend more than a mom.  And to be honest, I cannot wait until the day that I am celebrating mothers day as a mom.  I guess when we are young we have this mental image of how or life will play out.  I always pictured myself as a mom by this age.  However, I wouldn't trade my life for a thing in the world and I know that God's plan is much bigger and greater than any plan I could have ever dreamed of.  I now know why the things I hoped for haven't happened yet... I hadn't met "him" yet.  And now I have and I have no doubts about this, and I can't wait to share forever with him....and our daughters (hahaha!! - inside joke).

This week... we have..... "fingers crossed" event on Monday... then going to Washington DC Thurs and Fri..then to watch cars go in circles on Sat.  The following week is a wedding, and Wayne leaves that weekend.

:(

***IF*** I let him of course???   Where has the past 9 days gone?? They've been great, but I would love it if they would slow down...just a little?

Weekend Recap...

First off... lemme jump on the bandwagon and say... "osama bin laden is dead!!"  Just announced tonight and president just did a speech regarding it..  This.  is.  Awesome!!!

Well, I'm happy to report I'm no longer living in a HOTEL!! Woot!  Although clean sheets and towels and a fairy that makes up your bed while you are gone is a nice perk...seriously...it's still a HOTEL.  Nice for vacation..but for a 6 week (or possibly longer??) stay.. yeah, totally doesn't cut it.  So I'm now in a one bedroom fully furnished apartment.  Is it 5 stars? Nope.  Is it decent? Yup.  It has cable, internet, all utilities paid, all furniture and everything I need.  It's really not a bad set up either.  I will take some pictures at some point and post them.  It's really doable!! And since I got a call on Friday that I may have an offer to extend my contract for an additional 6 weeks, I'd much rather have SPACE and privacy (and a kitchen!!) over housekeeping!  I think it's about 800 square feet...and like I said, totally furnished..all the way to linens and silverware!!  Bring your toothpaste...and Bourbon... haha.

So, Friday morning I got off work..clocked out at 730 am... headed to the hotel, packed up my stuff, loaded my car..and headed to the apartment complex.  Filled out paperwork... then found out my new pad was where other than the top floor of the building..... siggghhhhhhh.......  so, I was EXHAUSTED making a few trips up to the "penthouse" (lol) and back to the car.  I finally hit the sack and slept for about 3-4 hrs.  Up at 2:30 to begin the prep of the apartment..putting things away, shopping for the small things that I'd need (ie, toilet paper, paper towels, etc)... and then Friday night I got to pick up a special package.. my aussie!! :)  It was so nice to see him, and even better to put my arms around him, and have his arms around me as well.  It is hard to explain, it was almost like a day hadnt' gone by.  But at the same time it felt like things were totally different.  But different in a good way.  We have been working very diligently on our relationship and things and I felt that it was obvious upon seeing each other.  It had been right at 4 weeks..  it was the longest and shortest time apart all at the same time... if that makes any sense? 

Sat night we headed to Richmond, VA to my FIRST night time NASCAR race.  It's about 2.5 hrs from our current location of Hagerstown, Maryland.... drive wasn't too bad.. I stressed out a little bit a few times in some thicker traffic.  Well, thicker traffic + construction = me freaking out and cursing other drivers.  Yeah, I'm sure they were cursing me as well,  And that's ok.  But I know I was right. (LOL!!)

So the race went well.  I had a really fun time.  I've always like Nascar, but prefer to watch live.  It was a lot of fun.  Got a tad chilly, but nothing unbearable by any means!  And most importantly I had someone to keep me warm! :)   

The next 3 weeks will be BUSYYYYYYY!!!!  But I'm looking forward to it.  I wish I didn't have to work so we would have every day all day together to sort through everything.  But hell, who are we kidding?  This is the real world.  I will say though that everything is going....shall I say.... awesome??  :)

I am gonna close with some twisted Me Humor!! Some pictures from the races... some are ones that I find, well, hilarious...love people watching!!  Cheers! :)

me and my honey

"what? I can't hear you?!"  seriously... is NOW the time to be having a cell phone conversation?  Fail.

and in the fourth turn, it's SANTA.. santa is making a run for it... without his rain deer!! boogity boogity!

hhmmmm... I thought Usher was a black dude? My bad.

This guy was constant entertainment!! 

wow...a helmet made from a watermelon.  *slow clap*  Wonder if that helmet allows you to lick the windows? Must look into this!!

leaving the races... happy couple :)

epic fail of capturing watermelon head on first trip... camera in pocket...off...AND on B&W setting.  Yup. 
epic.
Fail.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week.  I doubt I'll be on much as the next week looks to be a busy one!!!  Hope everyone is doing well out in bloggerland.  :)