"You are having a preemie..."

As I said in the last blog, I am gonna do a few blogs on the events that have occurred in the last five months, so that it's not one extremely long entry, and so that I can break it down and write it without trying to cover lots at once (that's for my own benefit/release than anything).  So, here I am.. just a few days later.  I'm on a roll, hey?  I would tell you the "chapters" so to speak that I plan to write..but that would require me to think ahead and well, we all know that my ability to do that is nonexistent, and now that we have Emily home with us (where she belongs) I do good to plan my daily shower, much less blog entries.  No offense, readers.

I remember the first time that I was told our baby was going to be born prematurely.  I had been closely monitored for high blood pressure from 24 weeks pregnant onward.  All my testing at 24 weeks was negative for pre eclampsia so the doctor wasn't overly worried.  On Friday June 6 my bp shot up to 164/110 at work.  I went home to rest as that usually brought it down.  We went up to the labor ward that evening for a quick check to ensure it had come down as it had in past.  Only this time it was different.  The blood pressure had not come down.  They then decided to do some blood work "just in case" and said they would be keeping me over night and "probably the weekend, just to be safe".  Wayne came home to get some clothes and necessities.  While he was gone, the doctor and nurse came in and said "The good news is, the baby seems fine on the monitor.  The bad news is your blood tests aren't good....."  The look on their face wasn't one of cheery happiness that had previously been upon their face.  They went on to discuss that my blood tests showed I had severe pre eclampsia.  I was only 28 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  The doctor said "There's no easy way to say this, but you have ZERO percent chance of going to full term.  This baby is going to be born prematurely.  Possibly even in the next couple of days"

I instantly burst into tears. How could this even be possible?  The book.  I bought the book!  I followed that damn book to a T.  I avoided cheeses, cold meats, leftovers.. the list could go on and on.  I never even missed a prenatal vitamin! No, no.  This is clearly a mistake.

The hospital I was at was a very nice private hospital.  We had chosen the hospital because of it's location (3 blocks from our house) and our doctor delivered there.  It had been completely renovated and a new wing built that the maternity ward is in.  Tempur Pedic beds.  Queen beds for postpartum for dad's to stay.  Clean and brand new rooms.  And the food.  The food was amazing.  I thought I was in for several weeks at this amazing hotel hospital, and thought that it wasn't too bad...considering.  Our goal was to get above 32 weeks and at one stage my OB came in and thought we could possibly get to 34-36 weeks.  So I had a long road ahead of me in hospital, but with all the nice features of the hospital, that was gonna make it much easier...... until......

The next day Wayne went to dinner with a friend.  We were both originally going, but with my hospitalised state, I insisted he go.  I was doing well.  If I was gonna be in there for a while, I certainly didn't want his life to completely stop.  Just because I'm in the hospital, doesn't mean he needs to live there 24 hrs a day when I'm just on bed rest watching t.v.  I mean, I felt pretty good... with the exception of lots of blood tests, headaches, and lack of sleep from A.) an active baby, B.) Peeing four to six times an hour (thanks to the Pre E) and C.) having my bp checked a lot and being put on the monitors a lot.  While Wayne was gone, I took a turn for the worse.  My headache worsened.  I felt very odd (almost drunk).  Earlier that day I had a severe reaction to a medication, but that was HOURS before.  I called the nurse and my bp had spiked WAY up.  I also started having decrease movements of the baby.  They took me down to the monitors again and they weren't happy with the results.  When a baby moves in utero, the heart rate increases.  When a baby is in distress the heart rate drops with movement.  For me, there was no change.  So while it wasn't a bad result, it was certainly not ideal.  They decided to give me IV Magnesium and transfer me to the hospital in the city, as they are not equipped to accept a baby under 32 weeks gestation.

Upon arrival, they were busy getting me hooked up, starting new IV's, inserting catheters...all the fun fun things you dream of doing on a Saturday night.  They were all so very nice, but all of a sudden, one of them looked at me and said "We are trying to figure out whether we need to do an emergency c-section tonight or if it can wait until morning"

Holy.  Shit.

Tonight?  No, no, no.  It's too early.  He or she isn't ready.  He or she NEEDS more time to cook.  This cannot be happening.  The book!  Remember, I read the book.  I followed the book.  No, this isn't happening.  No way.  Send me home, there's been a huge mistake.

Luckily, they were able to get me stabilized and the next day I saw my new doctor, Dr. Craig Pennell.  He had such a calming way about him, but didn't bullshit me either. We had a daily ultrasound and blood work.  Luckily for the baby, he or she (spoiler..hehe..she!) was fine.  Small due to growth restrictions from the Pre Eclampsia.  So it was a matter of keeping the baby inside until either I took another bad turn or the baby starting showing signs of distress.

And as I mentioned, the first hospital..was nice.  Very nice.  This hospital?  From the outside it looked like something out of a Stephen King Movie...especially at night (which was my first time seeing it ever!)  The food was horrible.  I started plotting my meals.  I would ask for butter and a slice of untoasted bread with dinner and lunch and would save that for toast for breakfast as the ward had a toaster for moms to use.  Due to previous fire issues, microwaves were banned.  It's 2014.  Who the hell is doing shit to cause a microwave to get on the hospital BANNED list?  Wayne took one look at the dinner plate the first night and asked "What do you want me to bring you? I can't make you eat that".  The care at the hospital was great, and that's why I was there and I get THAT is what matters.  But when you take a hungry pregnant woman a plate of mystery meat, don't expect her to jump for joy.  The rooms were tiny, out dated pale pink walls, and old hospital beds that were so uncomfortable and made the worst noises when I turned over or adjusted the bed.  No more temper pedic.  No more gourmet food.  Not only was I having a preemie, I was now in some women's prison.  And god forbid if you asked for a second towel on the days you wanted to wash your hair.  And not the luxurious fluffy towels from the other hospital.  (SEE why I called it a hotel?!?!)  I think the biggest downfall to the hospital was the distance from home.  It's in the city and without rush hour traffic it's about 30 minutes.  Add rush hour traffic and some days could take four days to get there.  Now, when I was in hospital you would think it didn't affect me.  However, it's really hard to ask someone to "run" home quickly for your favorite pair of socks (an example..didn't really happen!) when it's THAT far.  3 blocks?  Easy!  That distance became so much harder once the baby was born and we were doing daily trips to the hospital.  But we'll get to that........

On Monday 16 June, the ultrasound looked great.  Active baby and all was good.  The doctor went out and looked at my blood results and walked back in.  I expected him to say what he had been saying everyday since I was admitted to King Eddie's on the 7th of "Ok, so I'll see you tomorrow".  Today, his response was different.  "Ok.  So.  C Section Tomorrow".  Apparently my platelets had dropped (common with severe pre eclampsia) and it was no longer safe for me or the baby to remain pregnant for risk of bleeding and hemorrhaging.  We sat there in total shock.  Again, the same thoughts rushed through my mind "It's too soon  And the book. The damn book.  I read it!  I followed it!  STOP!  Make this STOP!"  

There was no stopping.

That day we were consulted by a Neonatologist who told us what we could expect.  In hindsight, I don't think any discussion would have ever prepared us for what we would experience.  There is just no way to prepare for it.  But like everything in life, we often don't get a chance to prepare.  I have become very very close with another nicu mom whose baby was born a week after Emily.  She had no notice or warning she was having a premie.  We discussed that recently, and I'm not sure which is easier.  Well, I use the word "Easier" lightly.  We knew 11 days before Emily was born that we were having a preemie.  And I'm not sure if even during those 11 days we actually knew what that meant.  What the road we were about to enter was going to actually be like.  

Oh.  And the book... Fuck the book.

Long time, no blog

Well readers (yes, all two of you? lol)  I have been super behind on blogging.  I keep thinking I will blog "tomorrow"  then tomorrow happens and life's madness that has been going on for the last 5 and a half months hits, My lack of blogging has not be due to a lack of thing to blog about.  Quite the opposite.  Life has been so busy that any free moments I have had I fill with other things like, a shower.... a quick bite to eat..... and attempt to get a couple minutes of sleep.

I attempted last week to write a blog, but it seemed like I was trying to figure out "where do I begin?" and I was trying to discuss so many things in one blog.  I felt disorganised and long winded.  So I've decided to do a couple blogs to catch up.  The first blog (this one) is a summary catch up.  From there I will do a couple of more in depth blogs on different events that have occurred over the last nearly six months.  Does that sound ok to you?  I'm just gonna assume you have all shaken your head yes and perhaps shouted "SURE!!" in pure excitement!

On 17 June 2014, we welcomed our daughter, Emily, into the world.  She was born at 29 weeks and 6 days gestation.  She weighed 1060 grams / 2 lbs and 5 oz.  She was only on the ventilator for about 12 hours.  As previously mentioned we didn't know the sex and despite daily ultrasounds for 10 days while I was hospitalised we still were able to not find out the sex.  Greatest surprise of my life.  But again, we'll get to that.

Emily spent 11 weeks and 5 days in hospital.  The longest weeks and days of my life.  Finally, on Australia Father's Day on 7 September, we finally got to leave King Edward Hospital, without empty arms.  We brought our baby home.

Eight days after Emily was home, on Monday 15 September, we received horrible news.  My dad's cancer, which had returned in May and again in August, had spread rapidly and was in operable.  The prognosis was a few days to a couple of weeks.  After a few days of tears and trying to figure out what to do, with Wayne's support (well, him basically pushing me onto the plane to go to see my Dad) I went home to spend a couple weeks with my parents and say goodbye to my Dad.  I left America to return on October 1, arrived home on October 3, and he passed away on October 4.  I'm so glad I was able to spend some time with him and say our goodbyes.  I was also able to speak to the preacher doing the memorial service via email and wrote a eulogy that he read at the memorial.  It was the hardest thing to write because it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  How do you put your feelings into words when you are so heart broken?  Again, I'll go into further details when doing my individual blogs (which I'll try to do soon because otherwise I'll be way behind forever! lol)

After coming home, we began to experience life with our baby at home, instead of daily trips into the city to the NICU.  It's both wonderful and exhausting... but a good kind of exhausting.  Emily is such an amazing baby.  She's well into smiling and nearly laughing.  Like it's right there.  You can just see it's ABOUT to happen.  I'm currently on Maternity Leave (as you get 12 months leave here in Australia) and at this stage plan to remain a stay at home mom/mum, but will just see how things go before we make the final decision and let my employer know.  Emily has two minor heart conditions and Chronic Lung so time will tell how she goes.  I am so excited about the ability to be a full time mom.  It's a 24/7 job that some days has HORRIBLE working conditions (seriously, boss, can I PLEASE go to the toilet?  No?  Ok.... <--- that conversation in the work place would be illegal! haha) but GOD.. the pay is amazing.  Even though you don't make a cent.

Thursday is Thanksgiving, and here we celebrate the Saturday following.  This year, our Thanksgiving Celebration will be the day that Emily has officially been HOME longer than in the hospital.  These past few weeks have flown by and been so much more enjoyable.

Everyone always told me when I had kids I would understand.. .insert many things here.  The lack of sleep and exhaustion.  How hard it is to do things (pee, eat, return calls, email.. BLOG?? lol), and how much love you actually can have for another human.  You think you've experienced love, and you think you love your husband.  And then one day, this little human enters the world and your life.... and in our case, VERY little human, and you realise you have NEVER felt this type of love before.  Ever.  And you look at your husband, holding your daughter for the first time, and you fall into a love with both of these people that just cannot be explained.  Still to this day nothing warms my heart more than seeing those two together.  Nothing.  I also am so much more emotional when it comes to kids.  We finally watched the final season of How I Met Your Mother.  (Yes.. finally!)  Here's the VIDEO (<--click on that..... grab a tissue....).  I burst into tears when I saw it... and will admit googling to find the video I have teared up a bit just thinking about it.  All these emotions.  Gah!! Where do they come from??   All happy though!

Ok, so there is so much to blog about, and I'm sure you are so anxious to hear more detailed updates and information.  So for now I'll leave you with some pictures of Emily and call it a night!

Below are all pics of Emily during her first week of life.  The first picture, she is not wearing a bracelet.. that is Wayne's wedding ring!  Later you'll see a comparison picture and that wedding ring is on the left and right side of the picture.  I'm ending this blog with a photo of her from Monday, when she turned five months old.   Five months since she entered the world, five months since our lives changed, five months since I learned what love at first sight truly was.

Daddy's wedding ring went all the way up to her elbow easily!

Such sweet little feet.  Poor feet were pricked over and over for 11 weeks for blood work.

On her birthday on the Vent

Holding Daddy's Hand (mommy was too sick to see her until the next day)

You can't even describe how little these little hands were!

Kangaroo Care - our once a day hold, was the highlight of my day for weeks!

Daddy's so in love, and loved Kangaroo care too!  We split the hold, except on my rough days, he would kindly tell me that I needed it more than he did that day.

 

On a breathing aid called CPAP, with her little hand IV  So much medical equipment for such a little girl.

She was so little that when stretched out her feet didn't even touch my belly button.

Daddy's wedding ring then..and now....

I LOVE YOU!

I love you to the moon and back princess......

Tomorrow is a new trimester....

I can't believe I am entering the THIRD trimester tomorrow (28 weeks).  It still feels fast and slow at the exact same time.  Pregnancy has continued to be a difficult task.  But I guess growing a person 24 hrs a day isn't suppose to be a walk in the park?   (Although "they" like to make it look like it's great! lol.)  I've been having blood pressure problems since 24 weeks.  It's interesting.. the bottom number is too high, but the top number is too low to treat as is my pulse.  So, it's simply a matter of "Taking it easy" physically.  People often think that means to simply avoid stress.  If lowering blood pressure were that easy, then there wouldn't be hundreds of blood pressure medications available, and people would only have high blood pressure when they were doing stressful tasks!  It's not like I'm choosing to have elevated blood pressure.   Today I had a low stress morning at work but ended up at the hospital (for what ended up being a bad UTI).  When I got there the blood pressure was up where it's been.  After an hour of laying it was lower than it's been in WEEKS.  The nurse said "it's just a matter of physical activity.... lay down and your blood pressure will come down".  Finally, someone who isn't telling me to just relax and stress less.  So now I'm on some antibiotics and sure hoping to resolve the pressure and Braxton Hicks problems I've been having!  It certainly seems if it's not one thing it's another.  So ready for August!!!!   The baby movements are sooo much stronger and sometimes feels like it goes on for HOURS.   Poking back is lots of fun.  You can almost imagine the baby going "WTF are you doing.. I JUST got this place arranged how I want it!"  It's also quite entertaining, if I lift up my shirt when laying down, baby won't move.   If I cover my stomach (shirt or blanket) he or she will instantly start moving.  So I often joke it's a very modest little girl who likes her privacy. Today at the hospital I was on the monitors (that monitor heart rate and contractions) for about 90 minutes.  He or she did NOT like.  Threw a total fit nearly the entire time.  Never gave up.  Feisty little booger!   The nurse laughed and said "oh, someone doesn't like the monitor at ALL!!"   Nope, not one bit.  I really think we are gonna have our hands full with a little person FULL of personality!!  No clue where he/she will get that from..... lol.  So now I've started the antibiotics and PRAYING for a night of sleep tonight.  I know once baby comes sleep will be a thing of the past... but I was really hoping to have sleep over the next 12 weeks!  At least more than 20 minutes at a time....... Is that too much to ask for?? lol

We have the crib/cot assembled, the nursery has been painted, and all that's left to assemble is the diaper change table.  And then to figure out how to arrange the room! It's slowly coming together and there are times I walk past, see the crib and think "HOLY SHIT!"   So yeah, shit is getting real.  No theme decided yet, and the selection for bedding in Perth (and Australia it seems) is so lacking!  Each baby store has like 4 choices.   I prefer to buy in person to be able to see it, but that's not proving to be an option.  Online shopping it may very well be!

We've had a roller coaster of a ride with my dad.  As you may recall he had oral cancer back in November.  Anyways, a few weeks ago he had a lump come up quite quickly.  Had a biopsy and it showed the cancer has returned.  Went in for surgery and they came out saying it looked great and seemed confined, etc.  So, breath a huge sigh of relief... until the pathology came back and showed it had spread to one of the 3 lymph nodes that were biopsied.  Through the entire thing (both this time and last time) his positive outlook has totally amazed me.  He hasn't seemed bothered by cancer, just bothered that he has to actually take a time out to have surgery.  But hey, that's my dad.. lol.  Anyways, they met with the specialists again yesterday and starting on the 16th of June he starts seven weeks of Chemo and Radiation.  Chemo is once a week and Radiation is daily.  They did a pet scan and it doesn't appear that the cancer has spread anywhere, despite being in the lymph node, so the goal is for the chemo and radiation to wipe any cancer cells out.  Prognosis at this stage seems to be very good, so we are thankful to God for that!!  He's a tough bird, and having such a positive outlook really is helpful.  It's been difficult being so far away with all of this.  Especially knowing that this far along and with my blood pressure issues the chances of me being able to fly international is really quite slim (basically not possible), and not knowing for a few weeks what exactly was going on.  We seemed to be doing a lot of waiting for more news and waiting for specialists reviews, and waiting for PET scans... but, seems like so far the best possible outcome, considering, is what we have.

We are now in Winter.  It still feels strange to be in June and freezing.  But, I'm slowly adjusting to these southern hemisphere season... But what that means we are in the season that the baby will be born... yup..shit is getting real.

That's all for now folks.. until next time....

Long time no blog!

I can't believe it's been so long since I lost blogged!

I'm now 22 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Little guy/girl is an active little booger these days and has discovered my bladder.  It must be great fun to push or jump on because that's a very common occurrence! lol.  The all day sickness stopped FINALLY...about 2 weeks ago.  I had a really bad day with nausea yesterday but I did not puke, so that's a win!  I'm quickly learning that if I over do it, especially at work, I pay for it.  It seems to take 2 days to recover from one VERY busy day.   In the next couple of weeks I will be slightly lowering my hours at work to see if that helps me as well.

Wayne has been amazing.  I have been very limited on being able to cook/clean due to being sick or sensitive to smells (I'll touch that one in a bit).  It's been an adjustment for me, mostly mentally, feeling like a failure as a wife (as I previously blogged) but him stepping up, not complaining about having to do more than his fair share around the house, running for random cravings, back rubs, foot rubs, etc has really been an amazing thing and so much appreciated.  I don't know how single mom's do it.  I would be lost without him.

So, since there isn't really much to report on.... which is a good thing at the moment... I thought I would take a moment to do a little blog within a blog.    The rest of this blog is titled

"The shit they DON'T tell you about pregnancy"

There's a great book called "What to expect when you are expecting".  It's like a bible if you are pregnant.  And while some of this is written there, it's almost more along the lines of fine print sometimes.  So here's the parts of pregnancy I have learned that I feel people leave out when discussing the "greatest" time of your life.... (please note the sarcasm)  (and this may be an ongoing "series" in my pregnancy and into motherhood... someone's gotta call this shit how it is!)

1.  Peeing

This is not just the very beginning or the end.  I have yet to sleep all night since finding out I was pregnant without pee breaks.  And they are more and more common and intense.  Last week I was worried I had a UTI.  Surely it's not normal?  Nope.  Totally is.  And as baby becomes active he/she thinks it's a trampoline.  I thought I was going to pee my pants at 5pm in rush hour this week.

2.  Mood swings

Sure.  These aren't really that secretive.  They don't tell you the intensity of them though, and that you turn into a freakin' honey badger (ya know, honey badger don't care!)  I either cry at silly stuff (which I do in private/secret more than public or hope my husband is looking at me) or snap.  Last week a few people on facebook had pissed me off, and well, the sensor is gone.  Not that I ever had a very STRONG sensor between my brain and my mouth.  But, now?   It doesn't even exist.  I can sometimes hear the attitude flowing out of my mouth, but honey badger lets it roll.

3.  Acne

Shouldn't we outgrow this shit as a teen anyways?  Why for the love of god must my face look like I'm 15 again?  And if you are using creams, becareful NOT to tell ANYONE this, because then the unsolicited advice about how acne creams cause babies to be born with tentacles and horns begins.

4.  Unsolicited Advice.

Now, I've touched this before, but it's worth discussing again.  Let me start off by saying if someone who has been there and done that has some advice that really helped them.... for the love of god share the wisdom.  If you are a man, or have never had a person growing inside you, something you heard about that a friends friends sister posted on pinterest is really of no interest to me.  Or saying that you don't need maternity clothes with the way modern clothes are designed (again, from someone without a baby or pregnancy history).  Or a man saying that you have been sick because you are stressed.  Or someone saying because THEY needed a c-section... YOU will need a c-section.  Or that because the doctors have told me conception would be difficult and it wasn't, that I should prepare mentally because this will "PROBABLY" be my only child.   Or discussing friends who had miscarriages or still born babies.  Ain't nobody got time for that...especially this honey badger.

5.  Sense of smell

This is wicked.  The smallest foul smell smells so horrible you think you will die.   Food smells soooo good when you want to eat, but when you are nauseated, someone can open a loaf of bread two houses down and set off the nausea.  Seriously.  I have joked about becoming a drug dog.  True story.  2 weeks ago we went to a food festival in the city.  We were BEHIND a food truck (couldn't see what the menu was or anything).  Wayne smelled and said "smells like roast...."   I smelled and said "nope... that's..... cheese fries, cheeseburgers, and MAYBE hotdogs...."  It was cheesefries and burgers.  I actually amazed myself.  And here, cheese fries aren't a common thing at all.  Going into a shopping mall is odd.  You get smells from the stores and then the lovely body odor off random strangers.  Yum. Not.....  And don't even get me started on public toilets.

6.  Food cravings

While this isn't really a surprise, what is surprising is that they aren't always the STRANGE combinations you hear about.  For a few weeks all I wanted was chicken mcnuggets from McDonalds.  Not anywhere else.  not store bought, McDonalds.  (wtf kiddo???).  Or pizza with banana peppers (which is a food we don't even have here....).  Chocolate bunny ears.  Just the ears.

7.  Movement

Finalllllllly feeling the baby move is an amazing thing.  At first it's sooooo subtle that unless you are really focusing on it, you may not even realise you are feeling it. Once you do, you lay in certain positions in hopes for that little flutter again.  Once they become stronger, you don't have to be feeling for it.  Hell, you can be asleep, and you will know the baby is awake...because you too will be awake.   It's not always comfortable places/locations that the baby decides to go nuts on.  Cervix, bladder.... anything is fair game.  And still have four months of crazy baby in-utero aerobics to go.  I had no clue how intense the movement was.  Wow.

So there are 7 of MANY things they don't tell you about pregnancy.  There will be more to come... I'm sure of it.  I could type more now but... I'm tired and may take a nap.  lol 

Blog for venting

I will just warn you that this blog isn't my happiest blog, so if you aren't up for reading a pregnant woman whinge, might as well move on now.  You have been warned.

I'm 17weeks and 2 days pregnant.  I am STILL having vomiting, pains from adhesion's have resurfaced, food aversions, still no weight gain (and still 4 kilos below starting weight - 8.8 lbs).  I was back at the doctor on Wednesday with my long list of problems.  Things that I was concerned about because there's no way all of these are normal.  Only to be told every single thing was part of pregnancy.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that everything is fine, and when we do the quick peek scan at the doctor, for those 20-30 seconds, everything is perfectly in perspective.  Those are moments of pure bliss.  Seeing our little miracle moving around, and comparing the image to previous to see how MUCH he or she has grown.. well, it's just amazing.  I love this little rascal so much already.  I'm just sick and tired of being sick.  Everyone gives their two cents and everyone likes to tell me "oh, I stopped the vomiting at 12 weeks" or "Oh, I had such easy pregnancies".  Everyone seems to talk about how easy they had it or how the symptoms I'm still battling disappeared for them at the end of the first trimester.  It's like nobody talks about the bad shit in pregnancy, and it seems like a taboo topic.  One on pregnancy message board I read some women get SLAMMED for complaining about these things because of the women who can't conceive.  Which, as soon as I read that, I instantly feel like shit because I know there are women who would happily puke their guts up daily and would possibly assume I'm not thankful for the pregnancy.  Which is far from truth.  I'm thankful for the pregnancy and baby.  I just want a few weeks where I can feel normal.  I'm having daily emotional breakdowns (in nurse fashion when I'm alone) because I feel like a failure as a mother already.

Speaking of failing.  I also have only worked one day this week.  So I know when I do return to work next week, there will be tons of crap to clean up, and unhappy doctors and workers who from the moment I hit the door will hunt me down to complain about X,Y, and Z.  One will make comments to me that I think I'm the only person who's ever been pregnant and a few other hurtful comments.  And what is hurtful is that one person use to be my biggest support system at work and I viewed as a close friend as well.  Now it feels like all he cares to do is kick me when I'm down.  I'm trying to focus on me and the baby and our health, so I can't always be at work when I'm sick and trying to get better.  But yet, I'm made to feel like shit at work because I'm focusing on myself, not on the office.

And the failing continues.  I feel like a failure at home.  All I want to do is lie in bed and make the nausea better.  Walking around and doing much when I'm super nauseated just makes me super dizzy, which makes the nausea worse... it's a vicious cycle.  I go to bed some nights around 8:30/9:00 (I just want to lay down and be comfortable, but none of the furniture in the living room allows the comfort I want).  On those nights I just lay in bed and cry because I feel all alone.  I feel like I don't get to spend time with my husband and it's my own fault because I'm feeling like crap.  Because I feel like crap I know I've been moodier and crabbier than ever (I'm sure the hormones really don't help that) and then I feel like crap for that.  The house hasn't had my full detail and attention in I don't know how long.  I look around at things I know need to be done.  How can this be anything but being a failure as a wife when I can't even stomach the smell of the dishwasher without puking?

And again... failing as a friend.  I've had a very heartbreaking week.  I've had a friend who has withdrawn from me since November...right after our wedding.  After much effort of trying to get together and asking what was wrong... and wracking my brain on what could have caused the distance, I broke down and sent an email (because face to face hasn't worked and neither has texting) saying how I was concerned.  The answers I got in reply were nothing I ever expected to hear from her, or a friend for that matter.  I had joked with her she needed to have a baby with me (and always said I understood her reasons for not wanting one for a few years.. it was always a joke.. you know, like when people get married they ask their friends who are dating when are they getting married.) and that apparently was the first reason she was distant.  The other was because she felt like I discussed the pregnancy and it's not something she can relate to so we are just in different points in our lives.  The way I see it, if we only had friends in the same stages of life that we are in, we'll be having to get new friends every few years and nobody will ever have a life long friend.  I am really really hurt by this.  I think of all the times I have been there for her, even when things were going on I couldn't relate to.  Isn't that what friends do?  And plus, I've only seen her four times since becoming pregnant.  I haven't had an easy pregnancy, and the bulk of my friends are back in the states.  So, if you can't talk about your fears and concerns and life with one of your "best friends", who the hell are you suppose to talk about it to?  Another one of our friends (who has been around most of the times I have seen her) has said to me she strongly disagrees, that I don't discuss the pregnancy the entire time or go over board.  I guess this has been the straw that has broken the pregnant camel's back.  I'm so sick of seasonal friends.  Friends who turn their back on you at a time in your life when you need them.  And I certainly didn't turn my back on her on any of the MANY times she needed me.  So, why am I getting this in return?  It's been very conflicting on what to do or how to handle it.  I emailed her back and put the ball in her court.  As of now, no response, which makes me feel like that itself is her answer.

So there ya have it.  Friendship.  Marriage.  Parenting.  Career.  I feel like I'm failing at every aspect in my life at the moment and it just sucks.

10 things.....

Instead of doing a recap, I figured I would focus again on 10 random events/facts from the week.

1.  Having two days in a row of NO nausea medicine and NO vomiting makes you feel like a million dollars.  No food aversions either.  I now know how great I feel when I'm NOT sick.  And I love it.  I felt like my old self (just with bigger boobs and a bigger stomach..lol) and really enjoyed time with my husband, and riding in a car without plotting "if I puke right now......"  lol

2.  Looking back on OLD blogs (no, you may not have the links, because I just deleted two of them) makes me feel like April now doesn't know April then.  At all.  It's like I'm reading the journal of a stranger.  And this is in a good way.  

3.  I am getting impatient waiting to feel baby move on a regular basis.  Am certain I felt the baby move, but nothing regular and only twice about 30 seconds apart.  Heartbeat is good though (155-165 beats per minute), but I wanna feel the little booger.

4.  You can only be as good of a friend as you are allowed.  I know I made this comment in my last random list post, but it's worth discussing again!  This isn't the place to go into it, but for real.  I'm kinda over it, and it makes me quite sad.  If someone continues to try to be there for you and you continue to push them away, do not be surprised when you one day realise they aren't there.  Perhaps that sounds cold hearted?  But it's how I feel.

5.  One of the worst parts about living so far from home is when shit goes down you CANNOT physically be there every time.  My best friend has been GUTTED by a guy, and I just wish I could just physically be there for the people I love sometime.  I know I can never again live in ONE place and have everyone there together.  I know this.  When I'm there I miss the people here, and when I'm here I miss the people there.  There is NO fixing it.  Just wish sometimes I could be physically there for someone when they need me.  Especially my best friend.  The first message she sent me when things went wrong was "I need my best friend".  I broke into tears, because I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw that, and no matter what it was, the best I could offer was a voice and texts (since I was at work).

6.  Pregnancy cravings are CRAZY!  This week's hot item was spring rolls (aka egg rolls).  Seriously, could not get enough.  Once I hit a certain "in-take level" (lol) I'm good.  Don't even mention them.  I want nothing to do with them.  lol. 

7.  Pregnancy EXHAUSTION is intense.  It's 8:30p.m. on a Saturday night.  At 7:00 I calculated "if I go to bed RIGHT now, chances are I will wake up at........ 5 or 6 am.... no thanks".  So have forced myself to stay up so that I won't be up early in the morning, but it's painful.  I am so exhausted, I just want to go to sleep.

8.  I LOVE this time of year in Perth.  Nice warm days... but not hot at all.  Cool evenings to where when the windows are open, come sunset you need a blanket or sweat pants, but it's not COLD.  Just a nip/coolness to the air.  Not to mention, you don't feel like you will DIE of heat exhaustion! lol

9.  People should really think before they speak.  This week one of my employees asked me "Aren't you scared of giving birth?"   I thought about it, and while yes, the idea is a little frightening, at the end of the day there are only 2 ways this baby comes out... delivery or c-section, so for now, I'm not stressing.  So I replied "Nah, has to come out one way or another,  so why stress it now?"   She then said (all panicky...) "yeah, but what if you get ripped?   What if they have to cut you open?  Can you imagine how much that will hurt?  And if they have to do stitches, won't those hurt when they put them in and when they are there for two weeks?  Like, won't it burn?"  UMMMM..... What DAFUQ did you just say?  Never utter those words to a pregnant woman. Ever.  We have enough shit filling our brain with fear and anxiety, don't add to it.  Thanks.

10.  Not only can I watch the same movie over, and over, and over (as previously discussed) I catch myself "wondering" what's gonna happen.  Will it all be ok?   Will he be caught?  WTF is wrong with me?  lol.  I can sit here and quote every line, word for word, but still have the same excitement as if I have no CLUE that Johnny will walk up and say "nobody puts baby in the corner" and get all gitty inside when he says it and takes her on stage.   And yes, I'm watching "Dirty Dancing" as I blog.  Don't judge.

Until next time.... love, peace, and hair grease.  ;)

Ex-pat Blog challenge; Monthly Prompt

So the expat challenge.. ya know, the one I EPICALLY failed (being sick and pregnant meant everything in my life was behind... the blog was certainly no exception!)?  Well, everyone enjoyed participating (even those of us who failed) so the fb page is doing a monthly prompt.  Surely I can do that, I thought.  However, with my normal April fashion, I'm a day behind!

Anyways, here's the prompt for this month's challenge!

Prompt for Wednesday 12 March (whenever that is for you!).

Please write on the topic of "advice."
Have you ever been given some life-changing advice? Or terrible advice? Or given it? Maybe you'd like to share some advice to someone making the expat move to your neck of the woods.
 
Advice.  Have given plenty.  Some good, some probably horrible.  I've been given lots of advice.  Some good, some really shitty.  ("did you REALLY just say that?" is the response I really want to give sometimes!)

So when thinking of how to approach this prompt, lots of advice comes to mind. 
 
I think one of the greatest pieces of advice I ever received, that I NEVER believed was about my classmates in middle/high school.  I was picked on and not popular at school.  Between my weight up and down, no boobs that turned overnight into MASSIVE boobs (picked on for both), glasses, being shy..... oh, and having an AWESOME last name that can be turned into "paperweight" when you are chubby and "prostitute" when your boobs SPROUT overnight.  It was a fun childhood.  But I remember my mom telling me that one day, these people won't matter.  Don't worry about what they think, you won't even know who they are or where they are in five years time.

I remember thinking she was so crazy.  These people were the people I would see the rest of my life.  We would all surely end up at the same college, and we would all NEVER leave the town we lived.  We would become the generation that filled all the various roles in the community.  All my fellow classmates who wanted to become nurses as well... we would all end up working side by side at the local hospital.  Their kids would be popular, and my kids would be picked on by their popular kids.  It was history that would just repeat itself.  So of COURSE I was worried about the opinions of these people.  They were in my life FOREVER.

Oh.  To be a teenager and not see the world as it really was.  Thanks to facebook, I can now search and find the people that made my life somewhat miserable at school.  (And thankfully back then, we didn't have social media or cell phones.  When you went home, you were home and NOBODY bothered you.  You were safe from the bullshit)  Recently I got a friend request from one of "those" girls who were mean to me in high school.  I did what anyone would do..... scrolled through what photos of hers I could view on her profile, and to my delight there were hundreds of FB posts as her profile wasn't on lock down.  I took a lot of pride in declining her friend request...... TWICE.  And when I recently cleaned out a lot of my FB friends (see last post) I realised over time a lot of the people I accepted as "Friends" on facebook, had never spoken a friendly word to me in my life.  Why the HELL do I want to keep up with you on Facebook? 

Without social media, I would have no clue where basically ANYONE from high school is.  Mom was right.  Those people really don't matter.  I will really try to teach our kids this.. but I'm sure it'll be like me.  What do parents know anyways, right?  haha

Professionally, I would say the best advice I ever heard was my beloved nursing instructor, Denise (and I can't believe we are almost at her 2 year death anniversary.  Love and miss her so much) to my best nursing school friend, Jodi.  Jodi has a real germ phobia and wore gloves for everything.  Still does.  Was an ongoing joke between me and her.  One day, she put on gloves and put out her hands to shake a patients hand as she introduced herself.  Denise gave her a look I'll never forget.  She didn't say anything, but like most good moms, she didn't need to. The "mom" look shot at Jodi said it all.

Denise let us finish what we were doing (whatever it was, lord I sure don't remember) and in the hallway she said "So, Jodi, what did you do wrong?"  Puzzled she said "I'm not sure, what did I do?"  "You put on gloves to shake their hand?"  Still puzzled, she looked and said "yeah?"  "Honey, that's someones mamma or granny.  What are you gonna catch from shaking their hand?".   Now, as a nurse, there are times that ANY contact with a patient you need to wear gloves (certain infections for example).  But this person didn't have anything like that.  And that really hit home, and is still something I use in my practice.  There are times I find myself irritated or annoyed with someone and I truly can feel Denise kick me in the ass and say "That's someones mamma!" and it totally changes my attitude.  And in the end, it totally changes the patients outcome and experience.  That advice alone has made me a better nurse.  Experiencing Denise made me a better nurse, and a better person.  It's amazing how much impact one person can have on our lives.   I hope one day I will have that impact on someone.  I just wish I had told her how I felt. But I guess that's for another blog entry on another day.

Night folks!