Today I received news that my dear friend, and mentor Denise lost her battle to cancer. This is not my first death to experience since moving (this time or my stay for 2 months last year). However this is by FAR the closest and hardest. I've choked back tears all day, and even as I write this.
I remember the first time I met Denise. It was a bitter cold Saturday January morning at Frankfort Regional Hospital. She was my new clinical instructor. When we found out she not only was a RN, but a Nurse Practictioner, well, the fear became a little more intense. In general, nursing instructors are cold. Harsh. Heartless. "surely this semester will be misery" was on our minds. Then we met Denise. Instantly we all fell in love with this woman. Warm and honest. Caring and funny. She wanted to know about each of us, not just professionally. But personally. She called us her "ducklings". We were scheduled to be at different locations (including the mental hospitals!!) every Saturday from 7am to 7pm. With the wrong instructor, this could have been pure misery. Instead I found myself not only enjoying Saturday clinicals, but looking forward to them. In addition to knowledge, Denise would tell us about her experiences. Her life lessons as a nurse. The things she learned when X, Y, or Z happened. She would remind us, especially on cases that were "yucky" that regardless.. "that is somebody's mama/daddy/granny/grandpa". And she would remind us of that whenever we needed to be "smacked back to reality" as she called it a time or two. And I am grateful for every "smack" of reality I ever had the honor of receiving.
The following August was the begining of a new semester.. and a new classroom instructor. Not only was Denise our clinical instructor, but now she was teaching lecture!! Now, not only did I look forward to Saturdays, but the two long nights a week were also enjoyable. Not only were they enjoyable, but the way she taught was amazing. I can't put it into words. She had so much life experience in the field, that she made it all... well.. make sense. If that makes sense?
You could tell Denise had such a big heart. Her family were her LIFE. I've still to this day never met her Daughter, Grandson, or Husband. However, I could tell you so many stories about them (some they may not be happy she told!! lol... jk!!). Her eyes had this... sparkle... whenever she would talk about them. "Come to my office after lecture and see my new pictures of Bryce (grandson)!!" She was one of the proudest grandma's I've ever met.
Throughout everything, she saw the good in all of us. She saw the potential we all had. It was her MISSION to MAKE her students not only successful, but good QUALITY nurses.
I'm happy to say, I think she succeeded.
Even after graduation, I kept in touch with Denise. She was my ear for so many things. In my divorce, her advice to me was the same thing that she said on the FIRST clinical on that cold January morning.... "just remember, you NEVER need a man. Remember that". She went onto tell me what good qualities I possessed. She never failed to be an ear, and I hope that I never failed to be an ear for her.
It was around March last year (maybe Feb) that I got the news she had Cancer. We conversed during this time by several emails, as I was in Australia. We joked how stubborn us nurses are, and that if you can survive nursing school that anything else is a walk in the park. She also spoke highly of her family. Here is some of her own words...
When I emailed her after the news..
"WOW---if prayers from all over the world can't help, I don't think anything can. You know me, I LOVE a challange............miss you girl...." (
She certainly did a challenge!)
"I am doing well---taking one day and a time and thanking God for everyday. Dale even took a flu shot for the first time in his life. He is taking GREAT care of me. I don't know how I got so lucky to find a man like him."
"The Little man is three going on thirty----He is just way too funny at some of the things that he says......but what is says is so innocent but factual.........My hair is about 1/4 Inch long and salt and pepper....but he doesn care----he just knows he loves to come and stay at his Mimi's house----and Popa Dale is there too......"
In closing, I'm leaving with an entry from my old blog, dated March 9, 2009. Three years and 20 days before her death.
"The things I've learned"
Well folks.. I officially have one more night of nursing school left. Wow. I can't believe that this has gone by so quickly, yet so slowly, at the same time. I have a few random thoughts to blog on, so follow me as this, as most of my posts...may be totally random and turn some sharp corners at times..... Shocker, I know.
..........
If anything, nursing school has attempted to kill me. I have found that the right instructor can really really REALLY make a difference in the lives of her students and will forever be grateful for being able to consider her my instructor, mentor, and friend. Because of her presence in my life, I write the rest of this blog. This blog is for Denise..although she will never know I wrote it (I don't "advertise" the blog, so to speak!) So, I guess the following are the lessons I've learned from Ms. Denise!
I have learned that I have the patience I never knew, but yet lack sooo much patience. I have found strength in myself to accomplish something that I never really believed I could do, despite my desire to do it (age, money, time, etc). Nobody needs a man....including me. (having one is a bonus, if it's a good one, that is)
I have learned to bite my tongue. Til it hurts sometimes.
I have seen life begin. I have seen life end. I have learned not to cry when something bad happens, but have yet to learn how to not let those feelings regarding what I wanted to cry about out when I'm in the confines of my own home. This makes me feel sometimes heartless, but yet sometimes a softie.
I have begun to fear growing old and dying more than I ever have my entire life. I fear dying alone. All alone in a hospital room. No visitors. No family. No flowers. Just nurses who hopefully care enough to turn me every 2 hours, keep my pain low, and maybe take away a good memory of me.
I fear that I will never be comfortable as a nurse and will always question if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I shouldn't fear that. Maybe I should hope I am never too comfortable that I make a bad decision because I didn't question myself. Man. Talk about a ying-yang.
I am not sure I will ever stop trying to achieve the "next level". Right now the thought of taking one more class makes me consider suicide or homicide. (Not REALLY.. but seemed like a good place to put that one). But at the same time, stopping the learning process sounds really scary. Damn that ying-yang again.
I don't think I will ever stop thinking about things at night. I think this is why I will be on Ambien forever. If I don't sleep at night, I ponder things.. how is little jane doe doing?? I wonder if Mr. John Doe made it or passed away. Did I finish everything? Basically, did I do everything I need to do for everyone that I needed or could have done?"
Although these are ramblings of a 3 yr younger me, I see so much of Denise's influence behind the meanings of this post.
Rest in peace friend. Will miss you forever.
