Sitting and waiting in the airport with my bags and my thoughts.

Well, I board the plane to head back to Maryland here in about 40 minutes.  I've had a really nice visit with family and a few of my closest friends this weekend.  I barely remember the first two days because of the pain meds and muscle relaxers.  Such a blur.  I don't see how people take those and function!! Good lord, going from the couch to the bed took a little bit of patience and planning.  And I typically dozed off in the middle of the planning.  I was worried when I went off of them whether or not I would be able to sleep normally again (a battle I've been fighting since going off Ambien) and I am happy to report that I have had no problems getting back to sleep.

I really feel like I'm at this sort of crossroad at the moment.  Do I follow my heart, or my mind?  The one good thing about being home was the ability to talk to some of my family and friends who always give me good advice..... and are straight forward and honest, even when it hurts.  The type of friends who tell you "that isn't a good color on you", or the type that let you know when you have something hanging out of your nose.  (lol).   You know, the true friends.  That love you regardless but have no problem telling you how it is... no problem saying "quit being a bitch" and things of that nature.  The type of friends I wouldn't trade for a thing in this world.  And if they are reading this, they know I'm talking about them.  And if I don't tell you enough, I love you for being my friend.

So, the crossroad.  Last night, in my last night in my nice comfy supportive bed (which I will miss dearly!) I thought I'd search online for advice.  I know what my head says.  I know what my heart says.  I know what my family says.  And I know what my dear friends say.  What would an outsider say?  I came across a website called "Baggage Claim" and read this article.  And to quote the article...

"Here’s the thing: Waiting around for someone to make up their mind about you, to dignify you with contact, a relationship, decency, a change of self or whatever, devalues you. If you’ve been living your life in limbo waiting around, you’re breaking a fundamental personal boundary that will erode at your self-esteem"

Wow..  even used the word Limbo.  You know how I have posted about signs?? This spoke to me.  And it made me wonder.  If I know that I love someone and want to be with them, if they can't tell me the same in return, am I wasting my time lost in hope?  Am I foolish? 

Then I read the following words...

"You’re better than waiting to be chosen – in healthy relationships, you mutually choose each other and get on with it."

Although this is great advice, it hasn't caused me overnight to make a decision, but it has pushed me towards the point to where I feel if a decision isn't made I have no choice but to make my own.  As much as it hurts me to think of the future without him, I can't ignore all the words of wisdom I've been told and read.  Do I really want to be with someone who doesn't *know* if they want to be with me?