PTSD....

"Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity, overwhelming the individuals ability to cope."

With his work, Wayne is away a lot.  As in, 26 weeks a year.. .aka 1/2 of the time.  Always knew this was part of his job, and I know how much he LOVES to travel (although he isn't getting the glorious trips like he use to these days and seems over it most the time).  Therefore, I can't *really* complain...right?  Ahh..who are we kidding.. I am a woman, therefore I must complain.. what is it they say.... "women do not burp or fart, therefore we must bitch or we will explode".  Haha.  (not a word, Wayne!)

Anyways, the first night of trips is the worst.  It's like PTSD for LDR's (long distance realtionship'ers).  One night of sobbing and feeling alone cures it and then I'm fine.... but feel silly the next morning.  It's almost like my mind thinks I'm back to the distance and the long periods before we see each other.  Although I KNOW he will be home on "X" day, there is this little part of me that reverts back to the 11K miles and WEEKS AND WEEKS apart and I just lose it.  WTF???  Granted, I am under a LOT of stress with the board and stress tends to make us women respond with emotional instability.  Hey, let's be honest.  You know I'm right!  If you are a man reading this, you just read it and nodded in agreement.  If you are a woman, you read it with disgust, but quickly realized "yeah, she IS right..."  We are women...we feel first, think second.  Period.      

Speaking of LDR's, I just can't help but sometimes look/think back on those summer July and August 2010 nights.  It seems like ages ago.  So much has happened since, yet they feel like yesterday sometimes.  I still remember the butterflies.  The nerves.  The wondering... wondering what he was thinking and feeling.   Wondering if certain things he did and said was me reading correctly, or reading FAR more into it than I should.  After all, we were best friends, so why would he ever be interested in more?  The constant asking myself "am I crazy?"  and wondering "what if".  What if I never speak up?   And even worse, what if I DO speak up?  So much to lose, yet so much to gain.   It's hard to think about those days without remembering ALL the emotions.  The good, and the bad.  The surprise of him telling me he was coming BACK to Lexington DAYS sooner than planned, wondering "what IF he is feeling something too?"  And dismissing that thought as me being a "girl"... only to find out, I was right all along.  It WAS mutual.  And who could forget the horrible first teary goodbye.  The first of many, and I'm so glad that the only time we would have tearful airport goodbyes will be if he has a work trip and I turn SUPER GIRLY on him... lol.  I'm sure it's bound to happen.  (damn estrogen!) 

On that note, I will leave with lyrics (super shocker, I know) of a song that always makes me think of the early days.....  read them through, because.. well, I said so??? lol.  Keep in mind, this is a duet, so it's a man and a woman.. so if the lyrics seem to go... umm.. questionable.. it's probably the other gender cuing in?? lol  


MY SUGGESTION.... play the "video" (which is just the song) and read the lyrics.  I know it's a lot of work, but I have faith you can do it! :)

We've been friends for a long, long time.

You tell me your secrets, and I tell you mine.

She's left you all alone, and you feel like no one cares,

But I have never failed you; I've always been there. 

You tell your story, it sounds a bit like mine,

It's the same old situation, it happens every time.

Can't we see, oh, maybe you and me,

Is what's meant to be or do we disagree?

What if I told you?

What if I said that I love you?

How would you feel?

What would you think? 

What would we do?

Do we dare to cross that line,

Between your heart and mine?

Or would I lose a friend, 

Or find a love that would never end?

What if I said?

She doesn't love you, oh, it's plain to see.

I can read between the lines of what you're telling me.

He doesn't hold you the way a woman should be held.

How long can I go on keeping these feelings to myself?

What if I told you?

What if I said that I love you?

How would you feel?

What would you think? 

What would we do?

Do we dare to cross that line,

Between your heart and mine?

Or would I lose a friend, 

Or find a love that would never end?

What if I said?

Oh, we've both had our share of loneliness.

So who's to say that we can't have a little happiness?

And if I found that in you,

It would make my dreams come true.

Or would you walk away?

Hear what I have to say.

What if I told you? What if I said that I love you?

How would you feel? What would you think? 

What would we do?

Instrumental break.

Do we dare to cross that line, between your heart and mine?

I've always wondered from the day we met:

What if I said.

What if I said?

Ooooh, what if I said.