What a difference a day makes....

My last post was a pretty excited post.  Marking things off my bucket list, starting to recover from three really difficult weeks health wise.  Life was going pretty damn good.  That day I had gotten a text from my mom that her dad was in the hospital, but not really much details other than "possible pneumonia".  Nothing blog worthy at the time at least.  

The next day, sitting on the couch with Wayne waking up from my sleep in (as I do on most weekends... gotta get all these that I can until we have kids, right???) and I get a text from my mom who has finally made the six or so hour drive to the hospital from her home.  "He's really bad April".  She goes on to tell me a little, but it's second hand from my grandmother (who has no medical background and in her world "that one thing" describes a whole lot of things).  My mom goes on to tell me that my grandfather had been calling for me and they had to keep calming him down by telling him I was at work.  Well, this sent me off the deep end and I burst into tears.

Living abroad, there are times that you wish you could be "home".  Holidays is always one.  Routine events that were part of your life (parties, sporting events, tailgating, etc) are another.  There are times, though, where going back is a must.  This was one of them.  The following day at 5am we headed to the airport and I began the loooooooooong journey to try to beat the clock of my grandfathers death so I could say goodbyes in person.

Some of the flights I have taken over the years have been filled with a lot of emotions.  Some excitement, some sad.  This was a whole new feeling.  Spending hours in the air just wondering if he was still alive kept me from sleeping, kept me from eating, and just nearly drove me nuts.  Why can't there be a way to make a call or check the Internet from the freaking plane I thought so many times.   

I arrive in LA and find out he is still holding on, but they had to make the decision to stop all the medicines and IV's and blood transfusions, begin hospice, and do only comfort measures until he passed.  The doctors felt there was nothing they could do and because of the blood loss and pneumonia he wasn't a candidate for surgery as he would die on the operating table.  Bottom line, it was my Grandfather's time.  How much time though, is the answer of course that nobody ever knows.

I arrived at the hospital in Alexander City, Alabama on Sunday night around 11pm after around 36 hours or so of travel, little to no food, and little to no sleep.  We spent the next four days in the hospital.  As a nurse, I was the only one who understood what was going on and did the best I could to explain all the terms the doctors and nurse were using.  And when that wasn't simple enough to understand, I explained it again.  I cleaned him up after vomiting, I cleaned his mouth, I washed his face, I helped the staff boost him up in the bed and re-position every two hours.  I made sure that he got his breathing treatments and most importantly, his pain medicines.  As a nurse, I know that it's not an easy decision to ask for more pain medications for your family.  But as his grand daughter, I had to do what I felt was best and, furthermore, exactly what he wanted.  He made it clear to my grandmother before this that if the time came and there was nothing more that could be done, he only wanted to be made comfortable.  I have worked with hospice patients in the past.  Some of my coworkers hated it.  As a nurse you feel like you are fighting a losing battle.  No matter what you do, your patient is going to die.  You know it.  The family knows it.  And most times, the patients know it as well.  But for me, as hard as every patient death was, as a nurse, I felt a lot of honor in giving someone their dying wishes.  Our entire professional lives as nurses, we are fighting the human bodies that want to die.  We are fighting illnesses and diseases bigger than we are.  Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.  But this battle, we know right up front we will lose.  You get to help a family through a very difficult phase, and furthermore, you get to be a kind face to someone facing death.  I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to know you are about to dye.  I mean, we all know it will happen to us someday.  But to know it is your time, just must be terrifying.  THIS is your chance as a nurse to have a positive impact on someone and their family.  You are giving someone their dying wishes.  The last thing that they will ever get to have any say so in.  Who wouldn't want to honor that?  That doesn't mean it's easy.  I'm not sure if I have ever had a patient die that didn't cause me to cry.  We are nurses, but that doesn't mean we aren't human and don't feel emotions.........

We just usually tend to do it in privacy and remain the strong front for everyone else.

On Thursday July 11 at 7:15 my grandfather opened his eyes so bright after over 15 hours of not waking.  He looked straight to the ceiling, and just like that, he passed.  

He was a kind man.  I never heard him say a negative word about a single person.  On the day before he died he had what is known as a "rally".  The calm before the storm.  He was awake and talking.. and alert.  The nurse asked him "How are you?"  He smiled and said "oh, I'm alright...."  When he would see his family, he had tears roll down his cheeks.  He knew we were there for him.  But yeah, even on his death bed when he is in so much pain, he couldn't and wouldn't complain.  He loved his family and God.  One of the kindest and most gentle men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and being related to.  

There is quite a lot of behind the scenes drama that went on.  I have decided that my blog isn't the place to post it.  It's more that the week in Alabama was very emotional for me, and rehashing it on here will only cause me more irritation and frustration than anything.  It wouldn't accomplish anything, so therefore I will just let it go.

Sorry, didn't realise this post was gonna be so long!! If you are still reading, you deserve a metal or a cookie.  Or both.  It's your choice... go get it yourself.  haha.

Anyways.  Because the week was quite rough, after the funeral I decided to come to Lexington for a week and during the last week of the visit to the states I would go to my parents house in Florida.  I really miss Perth and my friends, but have been glad to catch up with my friends here.  I've now lived in Perth for almost 2 years, and in those two years I have lost a very dear friend, Denise, and now my grandfather.  A rate of one death a year.  I don't like that rate one bit.  But I guess it made me realise that life, while long, is too short for the drama.  Plus, I was smart enough to admit to myself that I was approaching mental breakdown point.  

Being back in the states is really different this year.  I am not sure why.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I have worked so damn hard to adjust to life in Australia.  All the things that use to be my "normal" now seem so strange and foreign.  Driving on the right side of the road.  Unlimited soft drink refills.  Large food portions.  Terminology that I have had to learn to use as a part of my daily language are now questioned by people "what does that mean?".  I have caught myself having to think What word do I use to describe "x".   A lot of small things.  It probably sounds weird and stupid, but it really is hard to describe.  While I am enjoying myself and catching up with friends and family, I really am missing Wayne and my Perth home and family.  I know it's part of living abroad.  You can't combine everyone you love into one place, so you learn to live with them spread across the globe.  It's just how it is.  I land in approximately six days.  On one hand it sounds super close, and the other super far away.  I am not ready to go back to work, because I can only imagine what working three days out of six WEEKS is going to result in when I return.  But I am ready to see my amazing fiance.

But for now, to bed for me!  Another busy day of friends and family tomorrow as my time in the bluegrass state is drawing to an end.  Until next time...