Blog for venting

I will just warn you that this blog isn't my happiest blog, so if you aren't up for reading a pregnant woman whinge, might as well move on now.  You have been warned.

I'm 17weeks and 2 days pregnant.  I am STILL having vomiting, pains from adhesion's have resurfaced, food aversions, still no weight gain (and still 4 kilos below starting weight - 8.8 lbs).  I was back at the doctor on Wednesday with my long list of problems.  Things that I was concerned about because there's no way all of these are normal.  Only to be told every single thing was part of pregnancy.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that everything is fine, and when we do the quick peek scan at the doctor, for those 20-30 seconds, everything is perfectly in perspective.  Those are moments of pure bliss.  Seeing our little miracle moving around, and comparing the image to previous to see how MUCH he or she has grown.. well, it's just amazing.  I love this little rascal so much already.  I'm just sick and tired of being sick.  Everyone gives their two cents and everyone likes to tell me "oh, I stopped the vomiting at 12 weeks" or "Oh, I had such easy pregnancies".  Everyone seems to talk about how easy they had it or how the symptoms I'm still battling disappeared for them at the end of the first trimester.  It's like nobody talks about the bad shit in pregnancy, and it seems like a taboo topic.  One on pregnancy message board I read some women get SLAMMED for complaining about these things because of the women who can't conceive.  Which, as soon as I read that, I instantly feel like shit because I know there are women who would happily puke their guts up daily and would possibly assume I'm not thankful for the pregnancy.  Which is far from truth.  I'm thankful for the pregnancy and baby.  I just want a few weeks where I can feel normal.  I'm having daily emotional breakdowns (in nurse fashion when I'm alone) because I feel like a failure as a mother already.

Speaking of failing.  I also have only worked one day this week.  So I know when I do return to work next week, there will be tons of crap to clean up, and unhappy doctors and workers who from the moment I hit the door will hunt me down to complain about X,Y, and Z.  One will make comments to me that I think I'm the only person who's ever been pregnant and a few other hurtful comments.  And what is hurtful is that one person use to be my biggest support system at work and I viewed as a close friend as well.  Now it feels like all he cares to do is kick me when I'm down.  I'm trying to focus on me and the baby and our health, so I can't always be at work when I'm sick and trying to get better.  But yet, I'm made to feel like shit at work because I'm focusing on myself, not on the office.

And the failing continues.  I feel like a failure at home.  All I want to do is lie in bed and make the nausea better.  Walking around and doing much when I'm super nauseated just makes me super dizzy, which makes the nausea worse... it's a vicious cycle.  I go to bed some nights around 8:30/9:00 (I just want to lay down and be comfortable, but none of the furniture in the living room allows the comfort I want).  On those nights I just lay in bed and cry because I feel all alone.  I feel like I don't get to spend time with my husband and it's my own fault because I'm feeling like crap.  Because I feel like crap I know I've been moodier and crabbier than ever (I'm sure the hormones really don't help that) and then I feel like crap for that.  The house hasn't had my full detail and attention in I don't know how long.  I look around at things I know need to be done.  How can this be anything but being a failure as a wife when I can't even stomach the smell of the dishwasher without puking?

And again... failing as a friend.  I've had a very heartbreaking week.  I've had a friend who has withdrawn from me since November...right after our wedding.  After much effort of trying to get together and asking what was wrong... and wracking my brain on what could have caused the distance, I broke down and sent an email (because face to face hasn't worked and neither has texting) saying how I was concerned.  The answers I got in reply were nothing I ever expected to hear from her, or a friend for that matter.  I had joked with her she needed to have a baby with me (and always said I understood her reasons for not wanting one for a few years.. it was always a joke.. you know, like when people get married they ask their friends who are dating when are they getting married.) and that apparently was the first reason she was distant.  The other was because she felt like I discussed the pregnancy and it's not something she can relate to so we are just in different points in our lives.  The way I see it, if we only had friends in the same stages of life that we are in, we'll be having to get new friends every few years and nobody will ever have a life long friend.  I am really really hurt by this.  I think of all the times I have been there for her, even when things were going on I couldn't relate to.  Isn't that what friends do?  And plus, I've only seen her four times since becoming pregnant.  I haven't had an easy pregnancy, and the bulk of my friends are back in the states.  So, if you can't talk about your fears and concerns and life with one of your "best friends", who the hell are you suppose to talk about it to?  Another one of our friends (who has been around most of the times I have seen her) has said to me she strongly disagrees, that I don't discuss the pregnancy the entire time or go over board.  I guess this has been the straw that has broken the pregnant camel's back.  I'm so sick of seasonal friends.  Friends who turn their back on you at a time in your life when you need them.  And I certainly didn't turn my back on her on any of the MANY times she needed me.  So, why am I getting this in return?  It's been very conflicting on what to do or how to handle it.  I emailed her back and put the ball in her court.  As of now, no response, which makes me feel like that itself is her answer.

So there ya have it.  Friendship.  Marriage.  Parenting.  Career.  I feel like I'm failing at every aspect in my life at the moment and it just sucks.